Day 1

Mood: Not great.

Saw my mom commenting on A's post. Dunno why but it bothers me a bit how close they've become. It wasn't the only post. Must admit, she does have a charm with the aunties, so maybe that's why, but it doesn't take away the fact that my mom does seem to enjoy talking to her more than her own daughter. 

To be honest, I don't know what to expect from my relationship with my mom. I never seem to click with her ever since Dad passed. She drives me insane, nitpicking everything I do. It's hard not to get annoyed and ticked off when holding a conversation with her because she'll somehow find a way to segue into calling out my flaws. Whether it be fat arms, a growing double chin, or that my shirt collar is too low. If it isn't that, it would probably be her nagging about my future; where I should work next, who I should become, where I should live, what 5 years down the line should look like... Jesus. I can't have a relaxed conversation about simple things in life. As if things aren't stressful enough.

So when I see her bonding with A, all I could think of is "Lucky fucking bastard". She's able to enjoy Mom's company without the burden of her expectations, something I wished I could enjoy myself. But oh, what to do. That's just the way it is. It's not like I can change our dynamic. God forbid, I tried. Confronted her about it and I basically wasn't surprised when she just brushed it off. What caught me off guard was how painful it was. I thought I could handle it, but I really couldn't. It haunts me to this very day. 

So much so that my insecurities and my fear of abandonment are affecting what I have with my partner. Well, that one is also another painful story to tell. My luck with relationships is just horseshit. No matter who it is, it'll probably be just as horrible as the other, with some differences here and there. That's probably how it will always be as long as the relationship I have with myself is shaky.

But, this distance between my partner and I feels pretty real, shaky self-relationship or not. This relationship is real shaky real fast. My bet is that he's tired of me. At this point, who isn't? The issue is, he knows this. He knows I'm a self-deprecating asshole with mommy issues. Why did he go through with me then? You know, I should've known neglect is imminent. Why did I go through with it?? 

Sigh. Loooooong sigh. Yesterday, I went batshit again because he didn't mention me in a stupid post about this record he's working on. He did mention his sister in it though. She's the appointed director of this upcoming project. Which, fine, okay, whatever. But it's always just her. Only her. Color me jealous but honestly, it kinda makes sense. A few weeks ago, we had this bright conversation about the direction of this music video. I painted some scenes into his head about where the direction of this short film/music video can possibly go. It wasn't the sister's idea. It was mine. And he liked it. He loved it. Well, I think that deserves a mention then, no? It's pivotal to the whole project. I don't give a shit if I'm not the director. I gave him the damn idea, didn't I? Okay, fuck this one post then. It doesn't matter. It's just one post. Why the fuck am I so distraught about a lousy social media post? Bro. Let me tell you something. This man actually lives online. Whatever he does in real life is only for sustenance. His soul is expressed to the media masses, in every. single. form. Pictures, videos, shorts, songs, you name it. Every single day, his followers will know what he's doing, what he's thinking of, his gratitude, and everything that has to do with the band. Even in real life, that's all he thinks and talks about. I listen. On God, I do, because I want to be a part of his life. So I listen to his demos, and I let him know what I think, plus extra ideas which he normally brushes off, fine. But guess who he always leaves out in his social media life. Bingoooo. Me. Instead, it's his sister that keeps getting the fucking credit. She's not even here! Hebat. Maybe you'll tell me that that's because I'm more personal than a social media post. I would agree if he actually focuses on me when we do spend time together. In real-time, all that ever happens is him getting distracted by his notifications, or him getting extra annoyed because I require his help in the kitchen. Why is he annoyed about that you ask? Because he's not online, duh. As I said, he exists on the internet. And I'm not even there, nor am I here.

Y'know, when we do have fights, he'll just wait for me to be okay? He doesn't even bother trying to console me. He'll just wait. He's amazing at that. He does try, yeah. If you call half-assed attempts trying then sure, he tried. So safe to say, it's very quiet today. He tried talking to me about the ingredients in the tom yum I cooked. It's honestly hilarious. From a full-blown fight straight to a conversation about spicy food? Really? Zero common sense sial. At this rate, it's not surprising if we carry this deafening silence through the rest of the month. Fucking hell.

I'm so horribly exhausted.